Just Let Go
by Lumi75
Summary: AU Based on Junjo Egoist. Illumi's one-sided love for Kuroro makes him vulnerable to predators like Hisoka.
1. Act 1

**Title: **Just Let Go

**Subtitle:** Junjo Illusionist, a parody of Junjo Egoist Act 7

**Genre:** Romantic comedy

**Rating: **T

**Warning: **YAOI---+ Hisoka _loves _Illumi _loves _Kuroro_ loves_ Kurapica

**Disclaimer: **Characters belong to Togashi.

**Notes:** AU. I recently read vol 3 of Junjo Romantica by Shungiku Nakamura and I thought the plot for Egoist Act 7 and 8 was perfect for Hisoka and Illumi. So I've converted it to this fic almost to the panel. Illumi is OOC for being emotional and can't hold his liquor xD;

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**Just Let Go**

** Act 1**

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_Is this really me?_

The humid December wind chilled me to my bones as I waited for my good friend outside York Shin University. I balanced on the railing and swung my legs to and fro. The laughter of students emerging from the school gate made me widen my eyes and scan the group expectantly, hoping for any sign of_ him._ None...So I bury my face in my scarf, hug myself and kick the gravel._ I can't believe I'm feeling this way...a cold-blooded professional like me...is behaving like a high school girl in love._ But I don't care. As long as I can catch a glimpse of _him_ and chat with _him_ for a few minutes…_he_ makes it all worthwhile. A big smile blossoms over my face when he arrives. But as soon as he waves back to me, its gone.

I'm terrified that if_ Kuroro_ knows how I feel about him ..._he'll never want to see me again._

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It was a boiling hot Friday evening. I was awoken by the suffocatingly close scent of leather upholstery and freshly shampooed hair. I was in a strange room, damp hands and legs were wrapped around my bare skin and I could feel hot breath on the nape of my neck. _What the – _Stretching out my arm I felt the backrest of a couch and hoisted myself up. The arm reluctantly slid aside although the leg clung on. Rubbing my temples and squinting, I tried to focus through an alcoholic haze. I caught a pair of narrow green eyes staring at me from a finely-chiseled face. A young man was lying next to me, dressed only in a pair of track pants and a towel around his neck as if he just came out of the shower. He propped a palm on his cheek and smirked. _Why the hell is he looking at me like that for?! Is there something on my shirt? _ I looked down... and covered my face in embarrassment. I was stark naked.

_Oh god, I did it again._

"Aww…your face is all red." He smirked widely and rolled some strands of my long black hair between his fingers. "Want me to cool you down with a wet towel?" I favored him with a frustrated, bugged-eyed glare before I pushed away his legs and stood up. My clothes were randomly tossed all over the floor as if roughly torn from my body. I located my jeans, then hurried over to a dark corner and hastily pulled them on. However, I was still drunk and had to lean against the wall to stop myself from tripping.

"What's the rush? It's Saturday. You don't have to go to school and I don't have to work. We can just…_take our time."_

"I'm not interested."

"Don't be so cold Illumi. I didn't force you to come here, you know."

This man is Hisoka. A real estate agent who works near York Shin University. As a matter of fact his shop is located right behind the railing where I habitually wait for my friend. I remember walking home alone, after getting drunk by myself at the uni-bar. When I passed by "my" railing…I began leaning nostalgically against it. Perhaps I looked like a prospective buyer browsing through the catalogues displayed on the glass window, because a lean, professionally dressed salesman stepped out. He waved at me with a debonair smile. "Won't you come in?" I hesitated… I had no intention of buying anything but his feline eyes attracted me. As we stared at each other, his green eyes narrowed mischievously and became even more piercing. He walked over, lowered his voice into a husky whisper. "I can show you some better accommodation…"

I followed him home.

_What was I thinking?! _Didn't I say I'll never do one-night stands? Oh god! Dad told me never to risk me life except for work! How could I have been as careless as to follow a complete stranger to his home? No use crying over spilt milk! I simply have to strengthen my willpower not to do this again! But…I wonder. Whenever I think about _him. _It overwhelms me with loneliness. I become an over-emotional puppet of darkness.

"Hey…' Hisoka said. He leaned back on the couch and observed with great interest the fiasco of me shuffling across the floor and getting dressed the wrong way round and inside out. He didn't say anything, just hid his lips behind his fingers. Jerk! I had to strip my clothes on and off a few times for his viewing pleasure! I couldn't wait to run away and never see Hisoka again. Finally, when I was dressed, Hisoka asked, "How do you feel about going out with me?"

"Huh?"

"I'm not saying we should be one of those lovey dovey couples. We can just have a fun relationship where we see each other whenever we feel like it."

_Ha! You mean as a sex friend._ "No thank you. Please find someone else." I slung my schoolbag over my shoulder.

"I think we got along pretty well. Besides, you look…_lonely."_

Who wants a guy like _him_ for a friend? I'm outta here. "Thanks for the accommodation." I said sarcastically, weaving a straight line towards the door.

"Aren't you in a one-sided relationship that will never go anywhere?" Hisoka chuckled evilly. "I could sense your frustration all the way down your body."

_D-down my bod –?!?! _My jaw worked up and down although I could say nothing. My face drained of all blood. At that moment I banged into the door and collapsed into a quivering heap on the ground. I heard the floorboards squeak and Hisoka's feet appear close to me. He knelt down and lightly stroked my hair and my back. I felt the rustle of a card pushed into my jeans pockets "Here's my number." He coaxed. "Feel free to call me anytime..." Then he gave my ear a light kiss. "I'll listen to any of your_... love problems._"

I stoically shrugged his arm away and stood up, resting my hand on the handle of the door. "No. I don't like confiding in strangers."

As I pulled the door open a crack, I suddenly felt Hisoka move in and press his lips to mine. He tasted warm, luscious and sweet. _BLEAH!! No way!_ I shoved him forcibly away. "Don't mess with me! I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Whoa!"

Hisoka held up his hands in an expression of genuine surprise. Then his eyes narrowed sneakily and he covered his lips again, hiding a nasty cackle. "By the way, Illumi. You were muttering something in your sleep."

"What." I glared coldly at him. Hisoka was more persistent than I expected. Obviously, I didn't trust him, give a damn about him or need him. He was clearly an opportunistic freak who took advantage of my drunkenness to strip me naked – if not worse –I wish we never even met.

Hisoka beamed like a kid. "Send my regards to your friend…_Kuroro-kun."_

_Kuroroooo_….! Each syllable rammed like a charging rhino into my solar plexus. My breath was knocked out and stomach felt so empty I could puke. My heart pounded feverishly and a flush swept over my face. I could hardly focus on Hisoka's hateful, smiling face. I looked down and saw his bare chest and lean abs. I looked and looked and suddenly remembered how they felt under my hands, how they turned me on. But it wasn't because I liked him in the least…it was because I was desperate for Kuroro's body and my horniness shot through the roof after drinking those – OH GOD WHAT ELSE HAVE I SAAAIIIDDDDDD?!?!? I felt like the cheapest, saddest and most perverted loser in the whole of York Shin!!!!

I slammed the door so loudly behind me that I was afraid the wall would fall in. Then I took out Hisoka's card and flung it at the door.

I wish I'll never see him again in my entire life.

_To be continued..._

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All the credit for plot goes to the creator of Junjo Romantica! I was so impressed I had to do something Junjo-style :P

Please review...Did you feel sorry for Illumi's loneliness or laughed at his foolishness? Or both? ^^**  
**


	2. Act 2

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**Just Let Go**

** Act 2  
**

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Warning: Scene of Drug Abuse :x Reader discretion advised! :XXX

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I dashed down the staircase of Hisoka's apartment, the wooden staircase echoing loudly behind me. I cringed at making such a loud racket so early in the morning, but as I burst through the main door and stumbled onto the sidewalk, I realized I needn't have worried. As luck would have it, Hisoka's apartment was located on the entertainment street of Ryuuseigai, King's Cross. 4 am here is like the evening rush hour in York Shin. Clubbers and workers finishing night shift were spilling out of bars and heading for the afterhours. Roadside kebab diners were doing brisk business. Smoke gushed from the stream of yellow taxis trawling down the street. The slushy snow wasn't spoiling anyone's fun, evidently. The streets were so crowded it might prove troublesome to make my way home on foot…

Before I had taken a few steps, a promoter grabbed my sleeve. I was standing in front of Club X, a famous strip joint. "You there sir, you look like you need a friend! Come on in, our girls are gorgeous; our boys are hot, come on in! Whatever you prefer, we provide~~" Without missing a beat, he continued speaking in a different language. " また、少年たちが; また、女の子が!"

The heck? The pimp thinks I'm Japanese?

"Sorry, I'm from Padokia."

"Pedo-?!" He gaped.

"I said Padokia."

"Ohoho, Pedo~~" He slyly wagged his finger.

"No! PADO!" Can't this guy speak English? "Get away from me! Ugh!" I shoved away his clinging arm and pushed forward.

"We have pedo too!! 10代の若者も!!!" He yelled desperately at my retreating back.

_Pervert…_

Damn, the road was simply packed with strip joints and sleazy pushers. I ducked into an alleyway, hoping to continue my journey down a quieter side street. I saw a short guy getting sick at the back, he leaned against the wall, breathing hard. I would've left him alone, but that mop of turquoise hair covering his face was unmistakable. He looked up, and I saw a huge gleaming eye, as big as saucer. And he recognized me too.

"Doctor!"

"…"

"Dr. Illumi"

I chuckled, scrutinizing the little punk with greater interest. I couldn't remember his name, but if he called me doctor he must be one of my clients from my acupuncture clinic. Pasty skin, greasy hair, dilated eyes. The normal appearance of a guy who's had too much to drink. His health was in no danger, but he ran the risk of getting mugged on his way home.

"You remember me, I'm Korotopi! Ya gotta help me, Doctor. I'm wasted."

I sighed, working for free ain't my cup of tea but I did swear the Hippocratic Oath in order to get license. Without wasting words, I rapidly hit the acupuncture spots on his forehead, valley of his lips and landed a sharp chop on the back of his neck. Korotopi fell to his knees and retched some more.

"Blearghhhhhhhh! blearrrgh ghhhhh!"

"Oi, my shoes."

"Ahh…I feel much better now. Thanks buddy." He managed to get to his feet unassisted, leaning against the wall.

"You're welcome." I turned to leave.

"Wait!" He pulled up a locket in the shape of an inverted cross from under his shirt and sprinkled something onto my palm, then onto his own. "Here, take a bump, my payment. I'm outta cash tonight, this is all I got…but please, you gotta do me a favor and help me get back home tonight, Doctor."

I stared at the white powdery substance on my hand, disgusted yet highly tempted. Korotopi quickly took his hit and his eye completely disappeared into the shadows. He looked so happy he was positively purring.

"What's this?" I asked suspiciously.

Silence. Maybe he didn't hear me. I repeated my question. Silence again….

The eye finally cracked open a slit. "Yeah?"

"What's this?"

"This is white powder, hehehehe."

"Baka! What kind of white powder?"

"The best kind, hohohoho."

"…"

I pouted. His answers were far from intelligent. I should have asked him before he took it, I guess. I felt lonely again, and thought of Kuroro. Shit, if this can help me forget… a nihilistic grin spread over my face. Since we were alone in an alleyway, in the middle of Ryuuseigai, why the hell not?

I took it.

I tasted it.

I felt nothing.

"Gee…Thanks" I said, disappointed. "Alright~ Let's get you home!"

I adjusted my schoolbag, looked at him then turned towards the exit of the alleyway. Suddenly, I felt clammy fingers brush my neck, then slide down my spine. I jumped in shock. I never knew Korotopi was so inclined-?!

"...."

"I got more at my place, Dr. Illumi." Korotopi whispered. He may or may not have winked; his hair was in the way. He grabbed my palm and pressed his body close to mine. Although he was shorter and weaker than me, not to mention hideous, on some level he possessed a warm body and its heat and weight was highly pleasurable to me….

Desperatism.

I was desperate for every shred of human contact, no matter how cheap.

I closed my eyes, a name seeped agonizingly out of my lips._ Kuroro…_

Luckily, before I could do anything foolish, a group of youths rushed down the alleyway, chased by cops. I returned to sanity. "Fuck off", I said, shoving him off, then dragged him by the collar back to King's Cross.

The street was teeming with yellow cabs. Gleaming golden headlights, pulsing engines, steaming exhaust. I quickly waved a cab down, opened the door, then shoved the drunken fool inside. Just as I slammed the door shut Korotopi sprang to life. "Hey!" He cried, pushing his head through the window, "Won't you come with me?"

"…"

"We can have breakfast together! I'll buy you a Sausage McMuffin!"

I slapped a twenty dollar bill on his face.

"Here's your cab fare."

Korotopi's eye widened, then filled with tears.

His little fists clutched me.

"I'm in love with you Dr. Illumi!

"…"

"I always have been!"

"…"

"I'm desperate!"

"My sentiments exactly." I whispered, turning my back on him.

All I heard was a pathetic whine "Wehhhhhhh~~" as the cab sped away.

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I walked a few steps forward, feeling a little weary. Then leaned against a lamppost. Everything looked so blurry before my eyes. The shophouses, the snow and the purplish orange sky all seemed to melt together like raspberry twirl ice-cream. I heard the harps of angels in heaven. Sweet euphoria was hitting me hard and I sank to my knees, cheeks pressed against the frosty metal. Uh-oh…my skin froze and got stuck to it. What should I do? Should I lick myself free? Will my tongue stick to the lamppost like in the movies? I laughed stupidly, holding on the lamppost as if for dear life, hands rubbing it up and down as I laughed until my sides hurt. God, if only I could be holding Kuroro now…

I heard the wheels of a car slow down in front of me, crunching the snow at an abnormal rate. I cracked open an eye, frowning. Five ugly mugs stared at me with excited eyes from the windows of a car covered by a white "hat" of snow. They seemed to be arguing over something.

"He is!"

"No, he's not!"

"He is – look at the way he's feeling up the lamp post."

I quickly retracted my guilty hands.

"He is!"

"No, he's not!"

Ouch! My face was still stuck! I grimaced.

"He is – look at the way he's smiling at us!"

I pulled my face away, the skin ripping loudly. YOW! It was so painful I fanned frantically at it.

"He is – look look, he's waving at us to stop!"

I glared through my tears of pain.

"Look, he's looking over now, ask him."

I scrambled to my feet, hugged my jacket closer to me and strode off, but the car started following me.

"Are you-?"

"No."

"Are you a-"

"I said no."

"How do you know what I was gonna to say?"

"…"

"…"

"How much does your ass cost?"

"…" I grabbed his face with my right palm until I heard a satisfying crack.

"Weehhhhhhh~" The driver sped off with a pathetic cry.

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"Excuse me, sir, but I saw what you did."

Oh shit, a police officer. What's he doing in Ryuuseigai?

"…"

"Prostitution is illegal."

"…"

"Why are you solicitating for customers so openly?

"…"

"Feeling desperate?" He guffawed.

"Excuse me, but I have to rush." I said softly.

"Wait." He stepped forward and blocked my way, then lit up a cigarette at his leisure.

"…"

"Quiet, are we?" he commented. He took a deep drag of his cancer stick, then blew it towards my face.

"Aww, did I just ruin your mood?" He smirked, then his voice lowered menacingly. "Answer me, what drugs are you on?!"

"High on life."

"Yeah right!! Who did you buy it from?!"

"I didn't."

"Stop lying! I saw you!!" He jabbed his cigarette towards me.

"Really?" I wasn't enjoying our conversation so I decided to end it. I peered into his face.

"Huh? What's happening? Your eyes...."

"Always look like that." My lips twitched.

"They're so big…"

"…"

"They're so black…"

"…"

"They're sucking me in…" His expression began to widen in fear.

"Look all you want."

"Eee-eeehh…" cold sweat broke over his forehead.

"You're smoking your cigarette the wrong way buddy." I whispered hypnotically. "Walk ten steps away, flip it around and suck on it."

"Yessir."

"Good evening."

I waved for a cab and got in. I'm too tired to walk anymore. As it pulled away, I heard a strangled cry.

"Wehhhhhhhhh!!!"

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I don't believe in empathy.

I don't believe in compassion.

I don't believe in acting like a crybaby.

...

_The man that I love is in love with someone else._

...

Wehhhhhhh!!!

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I'm a licensed acupuncturist from Padokia, now a final-year physiotherapy student at York Shin University. I live in Ryuuseigai, a slum-like suburb north of York Shin. The cheap rents enabled me to get hold of a large loft space which I converted into a small clinic. Since I operated out of where I lived, my overheads were minimal. I soon gained a reputation of being the best acupuncturist in York Shin for the best price. At the same time, I gained the reputation of being cold and businesslike. That's completely true. I don't see the point of chatting with my clients. To an acupuncturist, the world is composed of silvery streams of energy in constant flux. If I see a blockage, I kill it with my needles. That's my job. Killing and healing in the same gesture. It's entirely physical. Talk, belief and prayers do not influence my rate of success.

So I found it really odd that I attracted so many clients from outside the mainstream. New Age types who believe in holistic healing. Many of them belong to obscure religious denominations also known as cults. That was how I met Kuroro. A leader of a highly reclusive Dark Arts Sect called the Spiders who only accept 13 members at any one point. He is also excessively devout to the extent that he tattooed a blue cross into his forehead…

The world sure is filled with all kinds of people~~

Surprisingly, though, Kuroro and I became good friends. He was the first person I knew outside my family who could also see the colorful aura around living things known as nen. Besides that, we were pretty close in age and lifestyle, even status, I thought. Until I realized just what a popular figure he was….he was _The Kuroro_, a celebrity community leader whose genius in organizing NGO initiatives around the world has benefited countless economies. Avid supporter of civil rights demonstration, works for the World Hunger Project and instituted numerous welfare reforms. He founded the Ryuuseigai Urban Renewal Fundraising Project and is its largest donor every year.

A hero who exists for the betterment of all humanity on earth.

He'll never be attracted to an antisocial jerk like me...

Damn him, I love him!

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_He's here right now. _

I felt his aura as soon as I walked into the stairwell. I instantly charged up two flights of metal stairs. On the third, sitting on a ledge with a huge luminous window pane behind him, was a young man reading a book. His features were silhouetted from the side, making them glow weightlessly. Especially his huge shining eyes and small, sensitive nose and mouth. He was wearing a dark blue suit trimmed with leather at the lapels and cuffs, straps and buckles at the bottom of his pants construction. Underneath he wore a grey cashmere hoodie with snowy white fur. The luxurious strands softly diffused the light so that his regular features became even more delicate.

He looked up from the book when he saw me approach. "Good morning, Dr Illumi" He said with a gentle smile. "Where did you go so early in the morning? From your aura…" he laughed. "You're still floating on cloud nine?"

How did he know? He's so intuitive, I'll have to be careful he doesn't find out about my night with Hisoka…

"_Dior Homme_… I wasn't aware you used cologne."

"Why are you here, Kuroro?" I asked somewhat gruffly, taking out my keys and quickly changing the subject. "Manage to create Peace in the Middle East?"

"No but I threatened to burn them in hellfire unless they promised peace."

"That's ironic..."

He was standing beside me and I could see there were dark circles beneath his eyes. His aura flickered with exhaustion, although that special charisma was always there, that says_ hey world here I am!_ "But I did chair a young writer's contest and uncovered a few budding poets. I'd rather spend time with real kids instead of childish egos trapped in aging bodies!"

I chuckled, feeling a blush spread over my cheeks. "Baka." I scolded.

"Eh, your place is as sterile as ever, you need to go out more." Kuroro commented, looking about. Except for books, incense burners and needles, my room was empty of all decorations. I was a clean freak who preferred everything either functional, or it shouldn't be there. "Tonight's a good start." He teased in his cold calm voice.

"Sterile? I happen to like it sterile. By the way, what happened to that book I lent you? Hurry up and return it."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll bring it next time ok?"

I brought him to my sleeping area on a landing above the clinic. He instantly flung his jacket and bag on the floor and before I could say anything, he had jumped into my bed and burrowed deep under the covers. "Sorry but I really need to catch some sleep."

I frowned a little, his clothes looked dusty but I didn't bring it up. "How long do you intend to sleep? Don't you have to go for some meetings later today?"

"Two days. I want to sleep for two whole days! I'm supposed to give a speech at some awards tonight. But I'm not going. Screw it, I had enough of human beings for a year. This is the first time I've managed to be alone in two weeks, I'll go crazy if I keep this up. I came here so I could avoid seeing anyone."

_Huh? Don't I count as…someone, too?_

"That's pathetic. People would laugh if they realized what an introvert you really are." I joked.

"What's wrong with being an introvert?" he mumbled, curling up under the covers as if exhausted. Only his silky black hair peeked out, spread like a small cloud over the grey linen. I gazed at him, feeling my cold empty apartment filled with unusual warmth.

"Hmmm…Illumi. In my bag." He murmured.

Eh? I fumbled through his bag, happy that we were so close this meant nothing to us. I saw a book wrapped in a blue envelop with gold sticker. Ah, Kuroro must have found a rare book. I removed the sticker and slowly pulled it out. The title emerged bit by bit…I could hardly believe my eyes.

_Delayed Death Touch: Instructions to the Coroner of Padokia._

"UWAHHHHH!!" I screamed in joy. "Where did you get this?! I never thought I'd ever find this!" Secret ninja techniques about the pressure points, which are different from acupuncture points. These techniques are crucial for martial arts. I touched the precious olive-green cover with trembling fingers. From Padokia, no less. I couldn't even find it back home in Padokia!!!

"I wandered into a used bookstore and happened to see it."

"Awesome! Thanks! How much was it?" I looked fondly at the lump under the blanket.

"Don't worry about it. It's yours…for taking me in."

_It's a present? Kuroro…you always give such thoughtful presents…you make me feel so happy that I can mean so much to you. But I can't help feeling bitter at the same time. Why are you coming to me…instead of "her"._

"Why don't you go to Pakunoda's place instead?" I already knew his answer, but I couldn't bite back my neediness. "Wouldn't you feel even more comfortable with your dream girl?"

There was no flinching, no sighing…Nothing, only the soft sound of breathing drifting up from Kuroro's form. Just as I thought he wasn't going to reply, he finally said, "Pakunoda has family to take care of. I can't disturb her."

I grabbed the book and slid onto the floor beside the bed. "Oh really? Well if she's that close of a friend, she'll still let you stay over, wouldn't she?"

"I'm not as masochistic as you seem to think I am, Illumi….Paku's attention is completely fixed on her little brother…her happiness consists of making Kurapica happy. Oh, such a true, loving bond…so beautiful it makes me sick."

_So you know she doesn't feel the same way you do…_

"But in the end, I don't mind. As long as I still have your place. I feel the most comfortable being with y- _zzz zzz zzz_"

"_The most comfortable."_

Nice words. Let's hear it again: _"The most comfortable"_ Although it was a petty thing to do, I purposely asked him about Pakunoda, just so I could hear those words from him…

"_The most comfortable."_

Before I knew it, I heard a deep, regular snuffling. Zzzzz, zzzzz, zzzzz, zzzzz, Oh! Did he fall asleep already? He sure can fall asleep fast…

I started to rant at Kuroro inside my head. "When you say you seek me out when you don't want to see anyone…do you have any idea how sad that makes me feel? Frickin, stupid, idiotic and retarded, jerk, BAAAKAAAAA. I'll assassinate you."

Kuroro has no idea I that I love him. If he knew, he would never be as insensitive as to do this to me. I shut the book and stared up at the ceiling …Face it, Illumi.

_If he found out you love him…he'll never visit you again._

I know. I know. That's why I'm scared to say anything to him. If I confess to him, it'll ruin what we have now. I don't think I'll be able to stand being cold-shouldered by him. If things are going to turn out that way, then I'll rather not say anything at all.

That's your answer, Illumi…..

Don't ever let Kuroro find out you like him.

I won't let him find out I like him.

_I mustn't let him find out._

I wasn't able to control the overwhelming rush of emotions. I drew my legs tightly to my body, overlapping one foot over the other. I hugged the book close to my chest and buried my face deep into my crossed wrists. If only it's Kuroro hugging me so tightly. Wouldn't you take me in too?

Baka…

_Hurry up and notice me, Kuroro–_

To be continued...

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A/N: Wow, another long chp! I hope it was interesting? Let me know how it went...Reviews are appreciated. Thanks! The second half the plot belongs to the creator of Junjo Romantica, the wonderful Shungiku Nakamura! ^^


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